


The Same, Fast-paced Beat

by Beewachan



Series: Series 1 [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Is this angst, Journal, M/M, School assignment journal writing, Unrequited Love, i cannot tell, is this fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-20 00:33:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9467480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beewachan/pseuds/Beewachan
Summary: A look into Keiji's mind





	

_Akaashi Keiji_  
Class 6  
2015-5-17

 

It’s unfair, really it is. He’s so cute, and I don't think he knows it. I don't think he understands what he does to me, the way his smile makes me heart skip a beat and do somersaults. I don't think he knows that I miss him when he's gone, even if it's just for a few seconds. He doesn't know how inexplicably joyous I feel every time I watch him spike one of my tosses, one that helped him score a point, the one point making him so happy. I just love the way his loud voice says my name, no matter the tone. He could be complaining about how ridiculous my clothing choice was or telling me that my toss was sloppy, but I wouldn't care; my heart would beat the same, fast-paced beat.

I love him so much that it hurts to write about. I can't tell if the tears falling on this paper are because I'm so delighted to be talking about him or because thinking about him is saddening. Thinking about him and his girlfriend, that's what's saddening actually. She's lucky. I don't wish to name her, but she doesn't know how blessed (and when I say blessed, I mean blessed) she is to have him. I've wanted him for so long, to have him in a way more intimate than I currently do. But unfortunately, I can't have him that way. I can't risk ending our friendship because I have a crush.

If I did that, it would be downright selfish. However, I think the real reason that I'm not risking our friendship is even more selfish. I just don't think I could bear it if I wasn't able to see his smile everyday. I couldn't bear not being able to walk home with him, to have to stop setting to him (because surely I would quit volleyball if our friendship ceased), to have to give up having small talks at lunch with him, to not be able to watch his gorgeous form as he spiked, to miss out on all the stupidly endearing things he says, to not witness his almost aberrant kindness.

I am so deeply enamoured by this young man that it is truly insane, at least I think so. Although, I'm sure if you knew the whole story, you’d probably think I was insane, like I do. I can feel my heartbeat — no, I can hear it — as I write this. Why I am so beguiled by him is a question that I truly cannot answer all at once, in this one little journal entry. I probably could go on and on for years about why I love him, but I think that this is a love that the power of word cannot do justice to.

I actually thought I was crazy for a while. I thought I was mad, and I thought I needed mental help. I continue to unconditionally love one human being. I watch him go in and out of relationships with girls each week. I just stand there and watch. Do you know why? Because I can't do anything. Anything that I want to do would risk our beautiful friendship. The same friendship that I thank the heavens for before I got to sleep at night. So, I continue to watch. I do nothing. I put on a smile and think I'm insane. I pretend like I’m happy because I don't want to make him upset with the terrible ache in my heart. Yes, because inconveniencing him with my sadness is not an option. And I thought that was a horrible idea each time I went through with it, faking happiness I mean. I thought I was a lunatic. But the truth of the matter is, love makes you stupid. And if that stupidness makes one display on-the-edge-of psychotic symptoms, so be it.

It hurts so much. I cannot even describe the pain I feel every single night when I think of him. When I think about the way someone else has him temporarily wrapped around her finger, it hurts. And when I think about the way she’ll probably dump him for the next guy, that hurts more. It hurts me because they can so easily have him and throw him away when I can't so much as even hold his hand. I can't tell him I love him without it sounding platonic. And I am jealous. There is a burning envy in my heart each time I watch as someone confesses to him. This is not to say that I think it's easy for anyone to confess — because I will admit that it probably takes a lot of time to build up the nerve to do — but I envy that they can just confess to him at all. I envy that they don't have to worry about losing their best friend of nine years.

I envy how oblivious he can be to my love. It's incredible how blissful ignorance seems. Sometimes I wish I was stupid. Sometimes I wish I was able to get over him quickly and think, “on to the next one, right?” Sometimes I want to die. I am glad none of those things ever happen, however. One, I think knowledge is key. Two, I for whatever reason enjoy torturing myself being in a one-sided love with my best friend. And three, I can't die. If I die, I won't be able to see that beautiful smile of his that I love so much. Besides, he would probably be upset if I died. I can't have him upset. I would do anything to make him happy.

There is nothing that I wouldn't do for Bokuto Koutarou.

If he asked me to gouge my eyes out, I would do it. If he told me to jump off of a bridge, I would leap without a second thought. I would do anything if it meant he would smile. I love his smile. I love it more than I love myself. The way it warms my heart is just so pleasant, I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love it. I don't know when I started smiling while writing, but I am. The mental image I have of him beaming is enough to make my day.

I don't think he understands just how much I love him.

And I don't think he ever will.


End file.
